So there I was, minding my business, participating in a transaction that would result in a delicious breakfast. After placing my order, the cashier hands me my change, including three fives. As the bills make their way across the counter, I see a 1-inch-tall purple “5” shining like a beacon from the back of a banknote. What the H- E- double-hockeysticks?

Normally it’s the cashier who checks for a counterfeit bill by discretely running a large, black Sharpie across the thing, but here the tables had turned and I was questioning what the cashier was trying to pull here. I asked about this unusual bill and was told it’s a new one. You don’t say.

Now, I haven’t played dolls since the Carter administration, but last time I checked, there was no Secretary of the Treasury Barbie, and therefore see no reason our American tender should look it’s trying to be a Euro unless it can complete the transformation, and in turn, strengthen our economy.

Pondering this, I notice more pastel on this funny money. Is the purple tint around President Lincoln significant? Hmmm…maybe there were two Mary Lincolns. And the similar hue around the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the bill? Also unacceptable. If the idea here is to make the landmarks of our nation’s capitol more appealing to little girls, it’s not going to work. The second they see the Lincoln Memorial in real life, they’re going to realize it’s no Barbie Dreamhouse and break down crying. That said, if a young Nancy Pelosi had experienced this, maybe her eyes wouldn’t have dried out by middle age.

All in all, my breakfast was satisfying, but the change, terrifying.